


Unearthed

by Perry_Downing



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, HEA of course, I missed Kylo Ren human dumpster fire, Reference to sexual assault, Rey and Kylo Meet Before TFA, Sex Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:47:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24163069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perry_Downing/pseuds/Perry_Downing
Summary: Broken Lord Ren finds his answer in a desert brothel.---Before he’d found this place after a particularly ugly day out in the desert, it was always difficult. The whores would try to jockey for position, a position forever closed. So, he’s always come back to this detestable hovel. No tedious explanations or women who want to seduce Lord Ren. They’re too beaten down to try.“Look at me,” he growls. She shudders and for one yawning chasm of a moment, he thinks she’ll refuse him. He should want to reprimand her, but instead his whole being pleads for her to look at him. Please just look at him.Then her head swivels, and there they are, those fathomless eyes, steely and full of repugnance. But under that, he sees … Oh how he sees the girl she could have been, pleading and vulnerable. The tumultuous turn of green and gold and brown, they do something to him, something new. Something terrifying.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 322
Kudos: 373





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit of a departure for me, so please know it's a bit different. It will still have a happy ending, but Kylo Ren is the dark side walking horror show that TFA hinted at.

“Plutt” he says in acknowledgement of the repugnant pimp.

“Ren! Always good to see you.”

“Hmmm,” he responds blandly. He only comes here because the wares never balk at his … requirements. They never blink an eye at his gloves and mask and that’s all that matters to him. 

His master bids him take care of his _urges_ so this is what he does. That he’s always left hollow is just because of the pull to the light. No one would want something real, anyway. Not with him.

Before he’d found this place after a particularly ugly day out in the desert, it was always _difficult_. The whores would try to jockey for position, a position forever closed. So, he’s always come back to this detestable hovel. No tedious explanations or women who want to seduce _Lord Ren._ They’re too beaten down to try.

“Got a new girl. Still fresh and tight. You’re her first customer of the night.”

“Fine,” Kylo sighs. He truly doesn’t care. He just wants to come and he’s tired of his own hand. Besides, it breaks up the monotony of his life, even if he’s left disgusted.

“Right this way, m’Lord,” the obsequious toad says with a flourish of his hand.

Kylo nearly yawns behind his mask. He rarely sleeps, but his recent missions have left him particularly drained. He hates when he has to handle innocents. 

\---

He’s pleased to find her already naked and waiting, scrubbed clean, still pink from the bath. Sometimes they try to _talk_ with him and he detests that. But here she is in the dirty little room, mercifully free of the stink of sex, presented on all fours, her face obediently facing forward. Good. He won’t have to even try not to think.

But then she turns and her eyes land on his. They flit away immediately, and he’s not sure how she could sense right where to look. All he knows is something strikes him, deep in his core. He can’t even breathe through the crater that’s opened up in his chest.

He must just be being tormented by the pull to the light. That’s all it is. But as he undoes his trousers, he wants her eyes, more than anything. Wants to see her so badly he can’t even bother to wonder why.

“Look at me,” he growls. She shudders and for one yawning chasm of a moment, he thinks she’ll refuse him. He should want to reprimand her, but instead his whole being pleads for her to look at him. Please just look at him.

Then her head swivels, and there they are, those fathomless eyes, steely and full of repugnance. But under that, he sees … Oh how he sees the girl she could have been, pleading and vulnerable. The tumultuous turn of green and gold and brown, they do something to him, something new. Something _terrifying_. 

He pumps himself a few times to get ready, following his usual routine, but she’s still looking at him. Accusation bores into him as surely as her penetrating stare and he snarls, “Face forward.”

For an eternal second, she holds his eyes, and he’s not sure anyone has hated him more than he hates himself, not until this girl’s gaze tears into him. But then she’s doing as he bid and he already misses her eyes.

What’s happening to him?

He doesn’t even try to enter her, just runs from the room, something deep and pulsing licking at his heels.

\---

“She’s a tasty treat, isn’t she?” Plutt leers and Kylo Ren feels almost ill. How many men have touched her? How many ways could he kill them? Usually the death he deals is perfunctory, but he would _enjoy_ killing anyone who has defiled her with their obscene lust.

Pulling his credits from his belt, he growls, “I want her. _Exclusively_.”

“Oh ho! I knew she was valuable, but not _that_ valuable. Want to stake your claim before she’s all used up?”

Just that, the idea of her being taken, those haunting eyes that told him everything without a word, it makes him want to rent Plutt from throat to groin. Instead, he tosses a small ransom at the disgusting creature.

“No one but me touches her. Including you,” he adds with a flex of his hands, his ghostly fingers squeezing the oozing slime’s throat. Just a bit. Just to make things clear.

His hands scrabbling at his neck, Plutt wheezes out, “No one but you, Lord Ren. I give you my word.”

“And how much is that word worth, I wonder? I’ll know if my instructions aren’t followed and I’ll be _very_ displeased.”

“I would never! She’ll have a room of her own, treat her like a princess, I will.”

He scans the worm’s mind, finding no trace of dissembling and grunts his acknowledgement as he sweeps from the Jakku heap.

\---

Kylo Ren tries not to think on her, remember those _eyes_ but he can’t and he’s back within days.

He senses the new glances from young officers, who are usually too afraid of him to so much as look in his direction. Gossip flies faster than light on a ship and he knows his return trip has been noted. His fist clench as he catches a stray thought.

_Lord Ren’s found a bit of trim._

The paperwork is worth the satisfying sound of the lieutenant's snapped neck. 

\---

No patience for the dance of civility, he says nothing before he rips into Plutt’s mind, quickly finding what he wants. 

Her.

Flashes of her confusion when she’s removed from rotation, the shuddering fear when her new place is explained.

_But he never even touched me. What does he want with me?_

_-Don’t know, don’t care.-_

_What am I meant to do with myself?_

_-Not my problem.-_

Then moments of her reading, one of the other girls begging her to fix the kitchen droid. A queer, warm feeling fills him as he sees her trying to grow something green in her room. 

He keeps rifling through Plutt’s memories, and only finds more stolen knowledge of the girl. No other men, just as he’d requested. Good.

“You followed my directives well,” Ren says with a cool voice before throwing a handful of credits at Plutt. 

He’s about to stalk to her room when he turns and asks, “How many? How many have had her?”

Plutt shrugs, “More than you’d like, not enough to break her.”

Rage coils in his belly and he wonders how long it will be before he kills them all …

\---

She startles when he walks in, and once again, her eyes find his. It’s a strange experience. Those that dare to meet his eyes never manage to actually catch his gaze. But somehow, she stares right into him. Even Hux is always looking slightly to the left.

“L-Lord Ren,” she stutters out, gaining her feet swiftly.

Before he responds, she’s already disrobing and he cringes beneath his mask. Why, why doesn’t he just want her on her knees?

“Wait,” he rumbles. 

Her hand pauses at her breast band, already having removed her shift. She’s standing before him in just her underthings and he awkwardly retrieves her garment from the floor, handing it to her, his eyes averted.

Even when he’d first had a woman, he’d never been so nervous. He could wonder why, but he just wants to set her at ease.

He feels her gather the cloth from his gloved hands and hears her redon it. 

“Lord Ren?” 

He flinches from the moniker and spits, “Don’t call me that.”

“What should I call you?” she asks with a shockingly calm voice. Why isn’t she afraid of him? Why does that thrill him?

He’s about to answer that she should call him Kylo, but his throat won’t work and he finds himself saying, “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

“Alright.” Her voice, her stars-be-damned voice winds around his vacant chest and _squeezes_. 

She stands before him, shifting on her feet. Her fingers go to her hair, pushing a tendril behind her ear. It’s strangely endearing and his hand lifts of its own accord. He never touches them except for the necessary contact. Yet … he wants to remove his gloves, feel her skin.

What is she doing to him?

His fingers ghost along her cheek before he flees. 

\---

“What’s your name?” he asks in a gruff voice.

“They call me Kira,” she says in a way that makes it clear that’s _not_ her name.

He taps his fingers on his thigh, wondering if he should let this go. Why does he care what her name is? And yet … he does.

“And what do you call yourself?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me.”

Her eyes alight with fire and he gets impressions of a desolate life, full of loneliness, followed by the horror of the brothel. His lips curl as he moves away from those memories, afraid his temper will make him destroy her private space.

“Like _I_ matter to you.” There’s a hint of a life left wanting in her tone.

And while he wants to find out more about her, he’s left completely undone by the answer boiling up from his belly. She does. She matters more than anything. “You do.”

She snorts inelegantly. “Tell me another one.”

He’s not sure why his fingers move to his mask, but they do, and he doesn’t stop them as they press into the release.

Pulling it from his head, his eyes bore into hers.

“ _You do_.”

\---

Rey. Her name is Rey. 

Her eyes had been so wide when her name had fallen from her lips and he’s not sure anything has been so precious to him. No … he knows. He knows that her name is the grandest gift he’s ever received.

Rey. It tastes so good in his mouth. Rey. He wants to build monuments to her, make her name sacred.

Rey, Rey, Rey …

All he knows is that he refuses to hear it from Snoke’s twisted lips. He has to be careful. To plan a way to hide her from his _master_.

Rey …

\---

“Why don’t you ever touch me?” she asks in that guileless way she has. They’re sitting in her small room, now graced with fine silks and soft pillows, just as he’d requested. He wants her comfortable.

“Do you want me to?” he asks to avoid answering the question. The answer is bleak and tells her things about him he wants hidden.

She shrinks away, but then leans forward. “No … but … all this,” she says with a wave of her hand, indicating the increase in her status. “I can’t pay you back.”

It hurts, more than he would have anticipated, that this is all so _transactional_. When was the last time his _feelings_ were hurt? “I don’t expect you to.”

“Then … what do you _want_?”

“I want you safe and happy,” he admits with honesty that shocks him.

He falls asleep that night with the awed look in her eyes calming his storm.

\---

“Snoke wants to speak with you,” Hux informs him with a smug look, catching him in a vacant corridor. Ginger irritant.

Ren nods curtly, striding away swiftly. It doesn’t do to keep his master waiting.

\---

“You have been … distracted, as of late, Apprentice.”

An icy shiver twines up his spine and he realizes he should have just bought her. Freed her. But … but … but …

“I’ll do better,” he promises, folding _her_ away as well as he can.

“See that you do,” Snoke dismisses with a wave of his hand.

Kylo Ren is almost to the door when he hears, “Oh, and find a new place to rut. Plutt has … displeased me.”

“Yes, Master,” he murmurs, his mind already going a parsec a minute.

He can’t know about _her_. Can he? 

\---

“We have to go,” he rushes to say, already packing up her belongings. He’d disabled all the trackers, even masked the one in his belt that Snoke doesn’t think he knows about. But he’s never tried to hide something so profound from his master before, and his nerves are jangling.

Plutt had been easy to deal with. A handsome payment and a firm press into his mind had been all it took.

“What? I’m not going with _you_ ,” she spits, her hands covering her torso as if to protect herself.

His mask is already off, and he tries to keep from grasping her, but his hands are on her biceps without his permission, making him want nothing more than to enfold her in the bare solace of his arms. “You must. He’ll … I don’t know what he’ll do to you,” he admits.

“Who? What are you talking about?”

He keeps thrusting her belongings into rugged sacks when he snarls, “You have to understand! My master, he … he’ll hurt you, Rey.”

Her eyes, Force, her eyes!

“What do you mean? Why do I matter so much?”

There, there it is. The question he can’t answer. The question he _won’t_ answer. “Just get ready,” he pleads, grasping at her.

But she pulls from him. Why wouldn’t she? He’s never so much as felt her flesh with his own. 

“Why?” she asks carefully. 

“Because … because …” How can he explain?

“Why did you buy me? Why can’t anyone else touch me?”

“Do you want them to?” he snarls.

“No! No … I don’t. I don’t really want anyone to touch me. But … you … don’t,” she says with an oddly forlorn voice, her hands wringing.

“I don’t deserve to,” he whispers, finally answering her question from his last visit, when she’d begun to open up to him, just a little. 

She moves closer to him and says, “I'm sorry … I couldn’t hear you.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he rumbles, pulling the last of her belongings into the last sack.

\---

Rey looks around the small house he’d found for her. It’s on a remote, backwater planet, nestled in a clearing, far from the eyes of his master. The towering trees feel like sentries, keeping watch over that which is most treasured. When he’d first located it, he’d felt a strange pull in his chest, where he supposes his heart used to be. The cozy cottage had felt safe. Like Rey makes him feel.

Her gaze flits throughout the little home he’s procured for her and he’s not sure what to think until she asks, “How did you know?”

“I’m sorry?”

“How did you know this is what I always dreamed of?” She wanders through the warm space, her hand pausing over one of the many plants he’d placed throughout her new home.

His mask is off, as it always seems to be around her and he has no idea what to say. He’d just … he’d just thought she would like this. This home he’d always craved.

Craved. Like he craves her. He wants to pull her into his arms, but he doesn’t dare. She’s too dear, too perfect. He can’t … he _can’t._

Her face screws up in the most adorable expression he’s ever seen when she requests, “Tell me?”

He scrubs his face with his hands before he finds those eyes. Those eyes that own him. “I can’t.”

Watching her as he lifts off is the only thing that keeps him sane.

\---

“There’s Resistance activity on Quol,” Hux informs him.

“So? Send the troopers,” Ren responds, annoyed to be interrupted, gazing out on the blue of hyperspace. He’d been lost to the fantasy of running his fingers, his _gloveless_ fingers through her hair. Kylo has kept away from her, not daring to risk discovery. His imaginings have surprised him, and soothed him

Holding her hand. Stroking her cheek. Walking in the forest. Absurd notions that belong to another man. 

“Supreme Leader Snoke wants you to attend to it. Personally.”

His head tilts slightly. “Why?” he asks slowly.

“How am I to know?” Hux huffs and turns on his heel before striding away to the other side of the bridge.

\---

Force damn it all! He hates when it’s children. It’s indecent. But at least he knows it will be quick when he’s in charge. 

The Resistance cell is holed up in an orphanage and his orders are to obliterate the structure with all inside.

Godsdamn it all to hell.

\---

Rain beats down on his _Silencer_ as he lands outside her little house. Screams echo in his head, the begging, Maker, the begging! He’d hoped that the precise explosion would have killed them all, but he hadn’t been so lucky.

And so he’s here, needing her more than he thought possible and so unworthy of those eyes that he wants to tear into his own flesh.

As he trudges to her house, it occurs to him that nothing is keeping her on this planet, now. She might have fled that first night.

He really shouldn’t be here. But tonight … tonight he simply couldn’t keep away.

The rain cleans to the blood from his gloves, but nothing, nothing but Rey can stifle the _pain_.

\---

Soaked through, mask left in his ship, he enters the cottage to find Rey in a simple tunic and leggings, a fire raging in the hearth. There are bits of the forest everywhere, and she’s twisted the silks from her room on Jakku into a vibrant rug that welcomes him with a calming sense he absolutely does not deserve.

Her eyes widen at the sight of him and she gasps out, “Oh!”

Then she’s rushing towards him, as if she intends to embrace him, but she stops herself just before she reaches his drenched form.

“I was so worried,” she says with those beguiling eyes broadcasting nothing but sincerity.

He blinks, not sure what to say. It had never occurred to him that his absence would concern her. He’d assumed it would be a relief. 

“It’s … it’s not safe for me to come often. I … I’m actually surprised you’re here.”

Her head cocks in confusion. “Where would I go?”

“Wherever you want. You … you don’t have to stay.”

Rey nods hesitantly, and then she’s wrapping a blanket around his shoulders, her hands lingering on his biceps. An involuntary shudder rips through him at the feel of her. It’s the first time she’s touched him. 

Then his throat closes as she takes his hand and pulls him to the fire. She’s … she’s holding his hand. Her perfect little hand fits in his so well, and he wonders if she would ever, _ever_ permit him to hold her. That’s all he wants. Just to wrap her in his arms so that she’s always safe.

\---

She’s in the kitchen, making tea, she’d said. And he cautiously removes his gloves. If he’s the luckiest man alive, she’ll touch him again. Let him feel her skin. But … can he allow it, knowing what he’s done this horrific night?

It will pass. It always does, with enough dark meditation, the screams will recede. But not that shame and rage. That always stays with him. 

With two cups of steaming liquid, she returns. He’d expected her to sit across from him, keep a safe distance between them, but instead she curls into a ball right next to his bouncing thigh, her body angled towards his. 

“Lord R—”

“I’ve asked you not to call me that,” he says as gently as possible through the wrongness thrumming through him. He knows the name he longs to hear in her lilting voice. But … but he’s not sure what that would do to all of his carefully built walls. 

“Yes. Of course. I’m sorry.”

He grimaces at her apology. “Don’t apologize to me. Never to me,” he says in barely a whisper.

She just looks at him. Looks _into_ him. “What happened?” Her voice is so soft, so inviting.

Then her tentative, small hand curls around his bare fingers and he almost starts to cry. When was the last time anyone had reached out to him with such gentleness? Such care? And the feeling, gods, the feeling of her skin against his … it’s more intimate than anything he could have even conceived of.

He never answers her, but she also doesn’t remove her hand and their fingers twine together, learn each other. Just the feel of her flesh pressed close to his makes him vibrate with a tension he never wants released.

Their fingers never stop dancing until the sun comes up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben Awakens tries to see his way through to Rey Rises (Rey SOLO that is) as his burgeoning love for her takes over his whole world.

Smoke chokes him and he can barely see through the aftermath of the explosion. His ears fill with the screams of the dying and soon-to-be dead. Grimacing, he lights his saber and begins the dark business of obliterating all traces of this Resistance cell.

Gods, he despises when it’s _children_. He can justify any adult, but the young ones … he’s never found a place for it and with each slice of his weapon, the guilt builds until he thinks he’ll fall to his knees from the weight.

As he dispatches a girl with eyes like Rey’s, he thrashes awake, looking around wildly before he remembers. Just after sunrise, he’d nodded off on Rey’s settee, her hand still clasped in his and he begins to panic. Where’s Rey! Does she know what he’d done? Would she turn from him forever?

But then he hears her voice singing from the kitchen. It’s perfectly beautiful yet wonderfully off-key at the same time. It quiets the pounding in his chest, the shame and horror beginning to recede back to the place of nightmares where they always lurk.

He breathes in deeply; he knows how to center himself after his memories torture him. He certainly has enough practice. 

With Rey, though, something inside him is shifting, quickly. The more time he spends with her, the longer she’s part of his life, the more wrong everything feels. The memory of the girl who reminded him of Rey isn’t leaving him like it should. 

Rey … she’s delving her hands into him and making something new and terribly old grow.

Oh, gods … he can’t fathom anyone burying in deeper into his empty heart, and he wants to welcome it, beckon her in. He should leave and never come back, throw himself into his training, but he _can’t_. Instead … could he …? Does he even know how to any longer?

Then she bursts back into the sitting room, with a tray of steaming treats and cups of caf that make his nose twitch. He’s been running on that brew for far longer than he’d like to admit and he starts to stand to help her.

“I’ve got it!” she exclaims as she places it on the small table in front of the settee and he settles back down. Something has changed between them during this singular night, now that she’d touched him, let him touch her. He doesn’t know what she’s endured, not really, but he’s sure it means something profound that she seems to _want_ his touch. But would she if she knew what a monster he’s made himself become?

There’s a pile of berries, clearly found in the forest, and a massive mound of shrikeen eggs with a side of bantha sausage. He’d left her with a year of rations, but this … they aren’t rations. She’s clearly found the small settlement and begun to make herself comfortable with her new surroundings.

“How …?”

“Oh! I found the credits you left me, but the local village also trades, so I started foraging for berries and I learned to make baskets from the foliage. I wanted to save the credits. Just in case.” There’s a fear lurking behind her faltering smile and he wants to ask her what happened, how she ended up in Plutt’s brothel. Why she needs to save, not believe he’d care for her. He stands, uncomfortable with her simply serving him. Needing to push back his own sins through action. 

But in the light of day, the distance between them reasserts itself. He remembers he has no right to touch her with his blood-red hands and she seems to be pulling in on herself. He blinks down at her offering, knowing he needs to say something, do something but she’s ebbing away from him with each moment of silence. 

Then her face falls and he just about dies right there. “No! Please. You’ve done so well. I’m … I’m proud of you.”

She looks away and he can see her fix a smile on her face, making his insides coil in apprehension. She’s clearly grappling with something significant and he wonders … is she still afraid of him? She should be. If she knew what he’d done last night … she’d surely run away and never look back.

“Rey … are you frightened of me?” he asks recklessly, knowing the answer just might end him.

Her eyes fly to his and the terror he sees makes his guts _churn_. He wants to go to her, sweep her up in his arms, make her feel safe, but he knows he has no right to care for her like that, so he sits back down and looks up into her face with all of his adoration. He never knew he could be held on a knifepoint by someone’s gaze.

“Please. Tell me,” he begs. Put an end to his hope, send him away.

Then her face breaks and he’s at an utter loss for what to do. She turns from him and her shoulders are shaking from how her sobbing wracks through her slender frame.

Not since he last made his mother cry has he been so frozen. But he’s determined not to fail Rey the way he failed his family, so he cautiously moves behind her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I want to trust you,” she whispers, not shaking off his touch. He frowns, knowing he should tell her what he _really_ is.

But that doesn’t stop him from promising lowly, “You can, I would never hurt you.” He’d take his master’s head before he’d see harm come to her. The thought makes him blink, but he stays focused on her. 

She lets out a long breath and murmurs, “I know. Somehow, I’ve always known.”

“Tell me … tell me what happened to you.”

He’s so stupid then, he tries to pull her into his arms and she recoils from him, her eyes wide with panic. She’s across the room before he can even breathe and Force, he despises himself for giving into his need for her.

“I’m sorry!’ he calls out.

But she’s shaking so hard that he’s not sure she’s heard him, so he tries again, “Please, Rey, I only want you safe.”

That seems to make her pause and her face turns to him for just a moment before she shifts away again.

Her voice is low and thick when she admits, “I don’t remember what that feels like.” She still won’t face him, so he keeps his silence and simply waits.

Rey’s shoulders slump as she says, “I … I want to tell you.”

Somehow, for the first time in his life, he instinctively knows to hold his damned tongue and keep his hands to himself, so he just watches her.

She turns, so slowly, until he can see her hypnotic eyes, so full of pain, so full of _life_. “Will you sit with me while I tell you, hold my hand?”

For a far too long moment, he his eyes open and close rapidly. Is she truly asking for him to touch her after he blundered so badly? “You … you want that?” he asks, not understanding that he could be so blessed. Could his hands bring safety and not death? He’s wanted that, perhaps before her eyes damned him, saved him, but he never allowed himself to think it possible.

“I … I’m not hiding from you,” she admits. “You’ve only ever been good to me.”

“That’s not true,” he rumbles, remembering how sharp he was when she was naked before him.

“You didn’t want to be cruel. You just didn’t know how not to be.” 

It’s his turn to twist away from her. How can she see him so clearly? Then he feels those hands on his back and his head falls back as he swallows, looking at the ceiling. Oh gods, she’s kneading those little fingers into him and he can only whimper.

“Sit with me,” she pleads and he has no power against her, turning and taking her hands in his. She tugs him to her settee and they sit close. So close. 

She squeezes his hands and breathes out, “Thank you.”

He only just keeps from pulling her into his arms when he says, “Tell me, tell me what happened to you.”

She takes in a shuddering breath and finally says, “My parents, they left me. They promised to come back for me.”

Her voice is dead, and he can understand that they never did from how her hands cling to his. 

“I was able to make it, for years, finding scavenge. Plutt would buy from me, keep me fed. I didn’t … I didn’t understand. I thought he was kind. But he was just waiting.”

He wants to ask for what, but he knows, Plutt waited the way Snoke did. A well-worn voice in his head reminds him that his master saved him when he was set so adrift, but it doesn’t feel so essential any longer.

Rey’s voice is low and difficult to hear when she says, “He was the first.” Then she pulls back and her frantic eyes find his. “I fought, I fought so hard!”

His heart, the heart she’s surely bringing back to life, breaks in two and he holds her gaze firmly when he says, “I know.” He can’t imagine this vibrant warrior of a woman doing anything else.

Tears stream from her eyes as she recounts her horror. “I ran, I ran as far as I could. But … his men found me.”

Now she starts to sob brokenly. “They didn’t touch me. Said I was _merchandise_. I kept running away… but they always found me. I could never … I could never run fast enough.”

“Shhh, shhh,” he soothes even as he knows Plutt dies this day. 

He can barely understand when she explains, “He-he-he said if I submitted, I’d be free in a year. Showed me the papers. That my parents _sold_ me. But if I allowed them to … made them _like_ it, I’d buy my freedom. I thought … a year.” Her eyes find his and the bleakness tears into him so starkly.

“How many, Rey? Who do I have to kill for you?”

She sniffles loudly then looks away. “I’m not sure. He wouldn’t let more than three men have me a night. Wanted to keep me special. It wasn’t long before you came.”

“Were they all from Jakku?” he growls and immediately regrets it from the way she shrinks from him. 

Feeling her pull away is enough to make him go to his knees in front of her as he takes her hand again. “I promise you, I will destroy every man who has hurt you.”

There’s a glittering look of malice in her eyes that flares a feeling inside him he’s never known. He recognizes this need for vengeance, and he knows he will be the one to give it to her. Grasping her hand more firmly, he requests, “Tell me, tell me what you want?”

Her other hand, trembling, reaches down and goes into his hair, carding through his locks. The tenderness in her touch makes his eyes sting and he knows he’d lay the entire galaxy at her feet if she’d only just ask.

There’s a touch of awe in her gaze when she says, “You’d do that for me?”

“I would do anything for you,” he admits, not at all surprised to find it’s true. There’s nothing he wouldn’t build or destroy for her.

“They weren’t all bad men. Some were even kind. But Plutt …” she trails off and through the Force he catches glimpses of what she’d endured.

He nods once, looking up into her beautiful face and she nods back. 

Plutt won’t see the sunrise.

\---

Quietly, they’d eaten the breakfast she’d prepared and Kylo couldn’t remember sharing a meal with anyone in … well, far too long. It was such a simple thing, and now he’s pleasantly full. He’s managed to push away the knowledge that he must leave her soon, but he really can’t put it off any longer.

But when she scoots closer to him, laying her head on his shoulder, he allows himself a few more minutes.

\---

Rey’s hands straighten his cloak and he’s forcibly pulled into a memory of his mother fixing his father’s jacket before he’d leave. It hurts. He’d hated how his mother would cry when she thought he was asleep, missing her husband. Somehow, he’s going to find a way not to leave Rey. He’s not sure how, but something significant needs to change in his life.

She gets a furtive look in her eyes, and he hesitantly strokes her cheek, still unsure of his welcome to touch her. 

But she holds his hand against her skin and closes her eyes as she nuzzles into his palm.

Then she catches him with those eyes before saying, “Will you … when you … please don’t hurt the other girls.”

“I promise.” He didn’t know his voice could be so gentle.

She nods into his hand and his chest swells with the trust she’s gifted him.

Rey watches him fly away and he’s already trying to calculate how long he must wait before he can come back to her.

\---

“Plutt,” he growls at the repugnant Crolute. 

Plutt looks at him skeptically. “We had a deal about that girl, I won’t take her back if she’s giving you trouble.”

Kylo Ren makes a terrifying grin behind his mask. “Oh, I have no intention of giving her back.”

Ren’s prey picks up on the menace in his tone and looks slightly nervous.

“Tell me, Plutt, is it true you bought Rey as a _child_?”

Plutt’s eyes narrow. “She told you her real name?”

“Oh yes, and many other things. Like how you raised her up as a fatted calf for your brothel. She never wanted this life. She fought you.”

“Come now, Lord Ren. You like her well enough, everyone got what they want-”

He doesn’t use the Force for this, no this is far too personal. He grabs the Crolute by the neck with both hands and squeezes, taking delight in watching his eyes bulge from the sockets.

“How should I kill you, I wonder?” Ren almost croons. “Split you from groin to throat, watch your guts spill in the sand?”

Plutt’s hands grab at Ren’s uselessly. Though he’s a big man, he’s no match for Lord Ren, who gives him one moment to take a single breath.

“Or peel the skin from you one strip at a time?”

The whimper that falls from Plutt’s fleshy lips finds no mercy from Ren. He’s tempted to scour his mind for every man that’s touched Rey, but he doesn’t think she’d like that much death laid at her door. Though on the flight to Jakku he’d considered simply destroying the entire region, make sure anyone who hurt her died in flame and fear.

Her soft heart that, impossibly, sees something worth touching in Kylo Ren, that same heart would not want her former home destroyed.

But she knows Plutt will die, and he’s certain she wants it, though she never said the words. Her eyes had blazed with rage and he’s only too happy to be her champion. Besides, he’s not sure he could have let this cretin live once he knew how he’d manipulated Rey. Used Rey. _Hurt_ Rey.

And then he’s squeezing, the choice taken from him, his storm making it for him. He watches the fear grow in Plutt’s eyes, his lips curling in savage satisfaction behind his mask. The Crolute’s face grows red and a blood vessel bursts along his fading vision.

Through the Force, Kylo can feel his life leaving him and in one swift twist, he breaks Plutt’s neck, pleased with the crunching sound. With disgust, he pushes his limp corpse down into the dusty floor and finally hears the screams of the women and their patrons.

A large human comes rushing at him and Ren freezes him with the Force, holding him there. Out of the corner of his eye he sees more of Plutt’s muscle finally realizing the threat. He’d intended to only kill the pimp, but he remembers this man from Rey’s flashes of memories. This is one who chased her down like a dog.

Just like that, he snaps his neck, too before whirling on the remaining men. But they’re backing away. For a moment he considers letting them go, but he reasons he shouldn’t leave someone to step into Plutt’s place. He ignites his saber and the other two’s heads roll along the sandy floorboards. 

By now, the patrons had mostly left, a few have stayed, standing defensively in front of their chosen paramours. It pleases him in an odd, new way. Perhaps not everything that happens here is empty.

A dark-haired girl is closest to him and he pulls out a sack of credits and a few credit chits, tossing them on the table between them. It’s what remains of the funds he could put his hands on quickly when spiriting Rey away and it should be enough to ensure freedom for Rey’s … friends. 

“Take it. Make sure everyone is looked after,” his modulated voice says as gently as he can manage.

She stands up straighter, and Ren can see challenge in her spine. It’s only then that he notices how her upturned eye is bruised. “What did you do to Kira?” she asks with surprising fire.

“ _Rey_ asked that I not hurt any of you. I thought she might like a bit more than that. Consider your freedom a gift for her.”

The young woman’s round face tilts and her eyes narrow in suspicion. “So, she’s safe?”

“As safe as I can make her,” Ren says, fear of his master slithering along his spine.

She gathers up the small fortune and nods towards him. “Tell her thank you … that we miss her.”

Lord Ren nods once and sweeps from the fetid brothel, knowing he’ll never see Jakku again.

\---

He wants to fly straight back to her, tell her that Plutt is dead, the women free. She’d grant him one of her beaming smiles and maybe, just maybe she’d want him to touch her again.

The fantasy runs through his mind over and over again, and he even allows himself to imagine kissing her softly. He’s never done that.

He wants her lips to be the first he finds, the last he finds.

\---

“You’ve been to Jakku more than usual,” Hux says in that supercilious way that Kylo Ren detests. 

“I didn’t realize my personal time was of any interest to you.”

“Anything that interests Supreme Leader Snoke interests me,” Hux sneers. 

Grateful for the protection of his mask, Kylo’s eyes close briefly. He already knew this of course, but the reminder of Snoke’s surveillance skitters along the back of his neck and his apprehension grows.

“Just cleaning up a bit of trash,” he responds to the general. “Plutt displeased Leader Snoke.”

“Such a shame. I know how much you _value_ his establishment.”

Ren’s hand closes in a fist, unreasonably annoyed at the suggestion he cared at all for the women there. It makes him feel dirty, the reminder of what he’d done before Rey. And though he couldn’t have said if he’d ever had the dark-haired girl, he realizes Rey has made him care. He cares because _she_ does.

Hux is looking at him expectantly, when Snoke’s voice thunders in his head.

“ _Apprentice!_ ”

Wincing against the pain, Kylo Ren whirls away from Hux and focuses on not calling out. Snoke hasn’t done this in a very long time—not since he’d bled his crystal and became his creature. It never used to hurt, not like this.

“Yes, Master,” he responds through the Force.

“Come to me. _Now_.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must thank two epic women, ArtemisBare, who makes time for me no matter what (seriously, she's stunning) and Silvergrain, who stays up far too late to tell me what's what.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, for giving me the time to write even as we mourn the loss of Kylo kitty. We've been lucky enough to have had a kitten fall into our laps, but I think we'll always miss our dear son, Katlo. 
> 
> Thank you, Readers! It's been a wild ride lately, but I'm cheering and loving you all from afar. I just want to give us all a moment to recharge through fic. I hope to update 'Lovesick' later this week. Thank you, thank you, thank you!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben Awakens grapples with how to handle Snoke's summons and hits on the only possible solution: Space Mom!

How could he have ever thought he could hide her? His master _knows_. That was the one thing the Sith and the Jedi agree on: No attachments.

And he is very attached.

He’s going to die. There’s no way to avoid it, not now. The only way he could make it through his summons with his head still attached to his body would be to throw himself on his master’s mercy, admit everything. 

Before her, he wouldn’t have had even a moment’s hesitation, so desperate to finally quiet the hideous scraping sound of his broken parts shuddering as they fought each other. But now, now he calmly accepts his death as the price for _her_.

It’s a sacrifice he’s almost eager to make. 

His boots clang along the durasteel as stormtroopers scurry out of his way. If Hux only knew that the fearsome Kylo Ren is on his way to his death ... he can easily imagine his smug face. 

And even as his feet carry him to his fate, all he can think of is _her_.

Rey, Rey, Rey …

\---

Just as his master has bidden, he boards his TIE. He doesn’t deviate from any protocol. But instead of the usual trepidation he feels at the prospect of the Supreme Leader’s hollow visage, he’s filled with a kind of peace. Rey is so strong; he’s given her everything she needs to survive. She’ll be alright.

And yet.

And yet …

\---

He flies off into the cosmos, away from the _Finalizer_. It’s time to put in the hyperspace coordinates and here is where his hand tremors. She’s so alone. She’s always been so alone. His fingers seem to move of their own accord as he keys in an altogether different destination than he should.

\---

D’Qar … He’s known for far too long where the _general_ has gathered her merry band of misfits. He’s never been, and as his ship comes out of hyperspace, he can’t help but wonder if Rey will like this place.

It’s all he can give her.

Now.

\---

His mother’s personal code comes to him immediately, though he hasn’t used it in nearly a decade. But before it can even connect, warning alarms blare in his cockpit. Of course they’d already have him in their sights. 

And here it comes. He just barely manages to miss the first blast from their ground cannons before another is on its way. It would save them all some time if this was how Kylo Ren meets his end. He lets out a dark, amused sound at the idea that his mother might manage to kill him before Snoke.

Falling into a wide barrel roll, his TIE rocks as the blast clips a wing. A lesser pilot would already be dead; the Resistance isn’t looking for a prisoner.

But then the barrage abruptly ends, and a long-missed voice fills his ship.

“First Order vessel, what are your intentions?” The tentativeness of her tone brings hope and anguish in equal measure. How did it come to this? How did he _let_ it? 

“Mo-” His voice cracks and he swallows dryly before trying again. “Mother … it’s … it’s me.” He doesn’t really know how to identify himself. Not to her.

Her sharp inhale of breath comes across as a high stab of static and then there’s an endless silence as he waits. For so long he’s tried to tell himself that his family no longer hold any meaning to him, that they belong to a dead boy.

Yet here he is, in his most desperate hour, reaching out to his mother. At the end, he still trusts her … still loves her. What was any of it even _for_?

“Son …” she murmurs, but then he can almost feel her straighten her spine. “Why are you here?” Her tone is brittle, closed.

“I need to talk to you.”

“You or the First Order?” she asks keenly.

“Me …”

“And will your _friends_ be joining you?” She sounds so _cold_.

“No … I would ne-” He stops himself from denying he would do that, because he knows that, not so long ago, he _would_ have. “No. Just me.”

“Just you …” she repeats. “And who are you? My son, Ben, or that monster, Kylo Ren?”

His eyes clench briefly, trying to shut out the chaos in his head. Righteous anger, Ben Solo is dead, Luke made sure of that. He should demand to be called Kylo Ren, his true name … but he can’t bear to hear his mother say it, just as he won’t let Rey. Then the shame comes for him. The shame that she knows what he’s become. 

“I don’t know,” he whispers. “But I’m not here to bring harm to you or your allies.”

That thick silence descends again, and his fingers tighten on the controls as he waits for her decision. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe he should have gone to Rey, explained … She’s smart, strong, she’s free of Plutt forever. But he wants … he wants _more_ for her. Her loneliness howls to the hollowness in his chest and he’d hoped together they could … 

It doesn’t matter. This is better than _him_. 

Yes. His mother will know how to take her in, like the parade of strays from his childhood. It was foolish of him to even try to make something of his very own.

But he still wouldn’t change anything.

“I’ll meet you on the landing pad. Do _not_ come armed. I won’t hesitate to do what I have to if this is a trap.”

Grimly, he replies, “I know.”

\---

He should be nervous, but all he feels is time ticking away as he lands. His master knows precisely how long it should take him to make it to the _Supremacy_ and he doesn’t have much time before Snoke will know he’s been … delayed. What if he knows where he’s hidden Rey? What if it’s already too late?

Before that line of thought can consume him, he sees his mother standing on the duracrete. He’s surprised to find her alone, and now that he’s closer to her, he can sense her fear. And her hope.

The cockpit opens and he slowly, carefully descends to the ground. She’s yards away, too far to speak, but neither of them move, until she slowly starts to walk towards him.

Her eyes are full of so much pain, and it’s as if all the gravity in the galaxy is pulling her down. Did he do this?

Words fill him, but he can’t open his mouth. All he can do is stare at her and silently beg for her … forgiveness? Mercy? 

Love?

Then, oh gods, his mother is right in front of him and he’s still struck dumb.

“Oh, Son … what have you done to yourself?” she asks as her hand comes up and her fingers softly stroke his cheek.

All he can do is close his eyes and remember this feeling. Can anything be so bad if his mother is here?

Placing his hand over his mother’s, there’s only safety in her touch and he finally opens his eyes to find tears spilling down her cheeks. He’s not surprised to find his own eyes stinging.

“I need your help,” he says in a low, timid voice.

\---

She won’t bring him inside the base, so they’ve ventured a bit into the nearby forest. It’s a stark juxtaposition, the warm sun and singing birds are a strange backdrop to this reunion. At first it all came out in a rush, that he needed her to go to Rey, that she was in danger. He’s a bit surprised she hadn’t asked about what happened at the temple.

Turning to face him in the clearing, Leia says, “This young woman you want me to help-”

“Rey.”

His mother makes a small, knowing smile. “Yes, Rey. Who is she to you?”

The question cuts through his muddled mind and he almost simply says, “ _Everything_.” But that’s not what she’s asking, and he doesn’t have an answer. Their beginning is sordid, stilted, and so outside of his usual behavior that he can barely believe it himself. Now? Now he only knows that he’s going to die for her.

“She … she’s why I’m here.”

“I know, what I mean is-”

“No, not like that. She … she’s changing me. Changed me. I can’t imagine I would have faced-” He shudders and takes a deep breath. “Faced _you_ if it weren’t for her.”

Leia looks at him appraisingly. “Yes … there’s something about her, you. It’s strong.”

Looking away, confused fear ripples through him.

“Son …” He glances back and she catches his gaze. “You love her.”

Smiling bitterly, he begins to shake his head, but it feels wrong to deny it. The truth falls from his lips without any real thought. “I don’t know if I can any longer.”

Her mouth pulls into a sad expression and her eyes fill with so much compassion. “You can. Just come home, make a life with this girl. Help us.”

And just like that, the other path opens up before him, that when Luke tried to kill him, he could have simply _gone home_. If she’s willing to ask him that, after a sea of blood has opened up between them, it would seem he always could. 

But instead, he shred his soul, choked his humanity, and ripped his heart from his chest.

He can’t even allow himself to imagine a real life with Rey, not when he knows that now it can never be. It’s too precious a dream to let fill his empty chest.

Letting out a pained shudder he admits, “I wish I could, you have no idea how much. But … Snoke will never let me go. If he doesn’t already know, he’ll soon find out where I’ve hidden her.” His master will undoubtedly tear into his mind before he kills him. Unable to look at Leia, he confesses, “I … I don’t expect to be alive tomorrow.”

“What?” his mother gasps.

“He knows about Rey. He’ll demand I kill her to prove my loyalty. I’m sure of it.”

“Then we’ll keep you safe. Both of you.”

A little ripple of hope moves through him, but reality chokes it before it can build. “It’s too late for me.”

“It’s never too late! Remember Darth Vader!”

It stings, the reminder of his family secret, but now really isn’t the time. “I do … and he died, too.”

She flinches, hard, before pleading, “There has to be a way, there’s always a way.” 

He takes her hands, almost cringing from the contact. _Years_ it had been since he’d reached for anyone until Rey; it’s still foreign and fatally familiar. 

“M-Mom,” he stutters.

Leia looks up and nods hopefully.

“Rey … Rey is all that matters to me now. She’s led a hard life and she deserves happiness. Joy. Safety. She could never have that with me. The things I’ve done …” he trails off.

His mother’s voice is tight when she responds, “I know. I’ve read the reports.”

Of course she had. He’d already known that. Leia Organa would never shy away from intelligence.

“He’ll hunt me to the ends of the galaxy. I won’t do that to her. This is the best I can manage.”

“We’ll help you, hide you.”

“You’ve no idea what you’re facing!” he flares. “Do you think you have a chance against the First Order? The only reason this planet isn’t a burning cinder is I intercepted and buried the information!”

Leia pulls back slightly but keeps her hands in his. Sighing, he looks down for a moment, breathing in and out, trying to master himself. His mother deserves so much more from him than this, but time is running out.

“This is the only way.” He pulls a data spike from his belt and places it in her hand but keeps her other hand in his. “This is where she is. Go to her, explain what’s happened. Tell her … tell her …” Now the tears that have been threatening since he first saw his mother again finally break free. “Tell her that I wanted to give her the galaxy.”

“No.” She drops his hand and folds her arms in front of her.

“What?” he asks dumbly.

“I said, ‘No.’ If you want to do this we’re going to her together. You tell Rey, face-to-face that you mean to die for her.”

He snorts. “I promise, she will forget me swiftly. I’ve not … we … we aren’t a ‘we’.”

A strange, almost calculating look flits through her eyes. “That’s the deal. Explain it to her yourself and I’ll care for her like she’s my own daughter. You’ve already ensured Snoke will know you didn’t fly straight to him. Will you end up more dead if you make him wait a little longer?” she asks flippantly as she looks at him expectantly. 

She’s … she’s not wrong. In fact, if Snoke is in a rage, he might end him more swiftly. And … he would like to see Rey’s shining eyes one last time. Perhaps she’ll even let him hold her.

Looking down on his mother, he nods once.

\---

In no time at all, Leia is in an old B-Wing and they’re flying tandem through hyperspace. He’d never minded the silence before, but now he itches to continue talking … try to give her some kind of peace, make sure she knows he still loves her. That he never stopped.

But he can’t. He can’t seem to activate his comm.

So he just dreams of Rey, safe and happy. He hopes Leia will show her Naboo …

\---

Halfway to Rey, his mother is the one to break the silence.

“You don’t have to just accept your death,” she says, getting straight to the matter.

“It’s all I deserve.”

“Maybe. But you’re still my son. I already lost you, once.”

“I know … but at least this way … something good will come from my wretched life.”

“Oh, no-”

“Yes! You say you know what I’ve done, what I’ve become, but you have no idea what it’s done to _me_!” he bursts out, breathing harshly.

“Won’t you at least try?”

“I’m so tired,” he admits bitterly. “I just want to be free of this pain.”

“And what of Rey?”

He scoffs. “She is far, far better off without me,” he argues, his tone thick with self-loathing.

“But-”

“I can’t do this,” he says shortly as he silences the comm.

If he let her continue, he might start to hope, and he’s barely holding it together as it is. He’s always known that defying Snoke would bring the might of the First Order down on his head and that’s no life for Rey.

No life at all.

\---

Rey throws open the door as they land, her face split in a wide grin. But then she sees the second, unfamiliar ship and her expression closes.

He practically jumps from his ship and strides to her as quickly as he dares. For a moment he forgets what’s happened, all he can think of is Rey. Suspicion fills her eyes as he approaches and his own smile falters.

“Who is that?” she asks as soon as he nears her.

Of course she’d be wary of strangers. “Someone I trust.” All of him thrums to reach for her, to fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness for the chaos that always follows in his wake. But she’s pulled into herself, apprehension written so clearly across her form.

“Something’s happened.” It’s not a question.

“Yes … my master …” How can he explain to her the true nature of the danger?

Then his mother arrives and he glances over to her to find her penetrating gaze moving between him and Rey. He’s about to introduce them to each other when Leia begins to nod slowly. With a knowing tone, she says, “Ah. Now I see.”

“See what?” he asks in confusion, an uncomfortable feeling of being completely defenseless in front of his mother prickling along the back of his neck.

Leia’s eyes widen and she tilts her head. “Do you really not know?” There’s astonishment laced through every word. Whatever she’s sensing has wiped away the tension between mother and son.

The Force screams and clangs, as if heralding a monumental shift. He shakes his head slightly, senses buzzing. “No … I … what is it?”

There’s nothing but grief in her eyes when his mother opts not to answer his question, asking instead, “Do you know she has the Force?”

Rey gasps and finds his eyes as it all suddenly makes sense. The way he was immediately drawn to her … How she always seems to see _into_ him. Why she’s so familiar. It had never occurred to him to look, and in a moment, Rey’s muted connection to the Force blooms in his awareness. Still dormant, but very much there.

“No, but I should have.” Rey really did scramble every instinct he’d ever honed.

Why does his mother still seem to be drowning in sorrow? Isn’t this a good thing? Leia can help her, show her what’s inside her. She’ll be so much safer now.

“Oh, Son … you don’t understand. It’s more than that.”

He’s startled when he feels Rey lean against him, her head craning up to find his gaze. “Your mother?”

“Yes, I’m his mother.” Leia smiles weakly at Rey and takes in a deep breath. “And my son has some things he needs to tell you.” 

She begins to walk back to her ship when he stops her. “Wait … what did you mean?”

“Talk to her. Please … make it count.” He’s never seen her this stricken, and his alarm ratchets up swiftly.

Rey moves even closer, her hands now clinging to him. He wants to focus entirely on the feeling of her body pressed against his side, but something new is deeply hurting his mother and he has to understand. Is it so hard for her to let him go? Surely she already has.

“Mom … what’s wrong?”

Leia looks up into the wide, blue sky then back at him. She seems to age a century before she answers.

“It doesn’t matter, now.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, I've been away for far too long. The lead up to the US election pushed my anxiety beyond the breaking point and I've been in a hole. But I'm back and hope to begin posting regularly again. 
> 
> Thank you, ArtemisBare for holding my hand and cheering me on. I was so nervous I'd lost my groove. Thank you, Silvergrain; you are so good at poking at the jarring bits.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who came home with puff pastry wrapped brie and sour cherry jam as a treat for finishing a chapter after such a long time away.
> 
> Thank you, Readers!!! Oh, how I've missed you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some firsts for Ben Awakens and Rey Rises, and he continues to be a valiant dummy.

If Rey’s hands weren’t on him, he might follow his mother, press her for what she’d meant. But instead, that deep feeling that always compels him to focus only on Rey has him turning to her like a tree’s roots strain for water. Just like that, Leia fades from his awareness. Rey’s touch skitters along every nerve ending and he _needs_ her gaze in a way he can’t comprehend.

And, so, he looks down into her beautiful, perfect face, her fathomless eyes blinking as she asks, “What’s wrong?”

He doesn’t want to explain, he wants to pretend and soak up as much of her as he can before the inevitable. Avoiding thinking about it, he asks his own question, the question he’s yearned to ask. “May I … May I hold you?”

She smiles in an easy way that makes him think perhaps he hasn’t pushed too far.

“Oh … Ky-I mean … of course. I thought you knew you don’t need permission, not after … last time.” The shyness in her bearing glints with the young woman she should have been allowed to become.

Cautiously, he reaches for her hands. Nodding slightly, she accepts his overture, folding her fingers with his. Holding her gaze, he whispers, “I will never touch you without your permission.”

Rey’s eyes widen, impossibly round, and then she says, “I wish I could call you by your name.”

“You can,” he says without thinking.

“Kyl-”

“No.” Her confused expression makes his face pull into a grimace. “I mean … that’s not my name.”

“But … you’re Kylo Ren?” she presses.

“Yes … and no. I …” He can’t quite find the words he needs.

Yet her face blooms with understanding. “You needed another name. Like I needed Kira.”

He wants to find her eyes, to be as honest as she has been with him, but all he can do is look away and nod tightly.

“I trust you. Won’t you trust me?”

His gaze flies to her with panic. “Of course! I … I’ve always trusted you.”

She steps even closer and puts her head against his chest, no doubt hearing his hammering heart. “I need to know what to call you. I need to know who it is I believe in.”

Trembling, his arms come up around her as his mind spins. Holding her, it’s all he hoped and so much more. She simply fits, fits in a way that turns his storm into a wide, placid ocean. He brings his hand to cradle her head to him as he tries to comprehend what she’s said. The trembling only increases as her burrows his fingers into her hair, finally feeling the fine silk between his digits. She’s so soft, so sacred.

Can she believe in him? Could she … could _he_ matter so much? He doesn’t know how to explain that she’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, completely. She’d likely recoil in disgust if she knew how deeply he’s fallen. Yet … she _is_ letting him hold her. Conflict has defined his very existence for as long as he can remember, but there is no doubt, no confusion about his feelings for Rey.

Yes, he’d thought he’d wanted the dark side.

Yes, he’d thought he’d wanted to be Kylo Ren.

Yes, he’d thought he could shut out the call to the light.

But now he has no idea—that he never did. This is the first time he _knows_ what he wants.

He’s helpless when he says, “Ben. My name is Ben.”

“Ben,” she murmurs, her voice vibrating against him.

When was the last time he’d heard his name? He’s certainly never heard it said with such reverence, and a rift within him begins to knit together. At least he finally knows who he is, at the end.

Holding her as tightly as he dares, he lets himself feel _complete_ for the first time in his life.

\---

Ben had let her lead him into her little house, almost in a daze, senses scrambled by so much of _her_. Now, they’re sitting together on her settee, nestled close and oh how he wants to sear it all into his mind so that this _feeling_ is the last thing he knows.

Turning slightly, she takes his hands in hers, the leather still separating them. Slowly, tenderly, her fingers creep to the wrist of his right hand and he’s certain he’s never experienced such intimacy, never knew he _could_ , as she gently pulls his glove away.

He shudders as she tangles their fingers together, stroking his palm with her thumb, undoing him with each draw of her skin against his.

“Please, tell me what’s happened, why you brought your mother?”

He doesn’t want to. He wants to stretch this moment to fill a lifetime, but he can’t. Looking down at their hands laced in a beautiful picture of how enmeshed she’s become in his heart, in his soul, he lets out a long, pained breath.

“My master … he’s a very powerful man, Supreme Leader of the First Order.”

Rey nods. “I know. I didn’t learn much on Jakku, but even I’d heard of the First Order.”

He’d never really thought about it before, how much she might already know of him. Is it possible she has some awareness of what he is? Not that it matters much at this point.

“Somehow … he found out about you.”

There’s real fear in her eyes when she asks, “Do we need to leave?”

“Yes … that’s why my mother is with me. She leads the Resistance, you know of them?” Again she nods and he continues, “She’s a good woman. She’ll keep you safe.”

“Your mother, you want me to stay with your mother?” she asks in disbelief.

“I don’t want you to be alone.”

“Why would I be alone?” She doesn’t pull away, but wariness thrums through her. “Won’t you be able to find a way to see me?”

Turning to face her fully, he strips away his other glove, hoping she meant it that he’s allowed to touch her. Cradling her cheeks with his hands, he holds her gaze deeply.

“Rey … I have to keep you safe.”

“I don’t understand.”

“There’s no way out for me. But there is for you.”

Her hands cover his and panic overtakes the hazel of her eyes. “What do you mean, ‘no way out’?” she asks with dread.

“He … he’s going to kill me for my disloyalty,” he admits in a low, quavering voice. 

“No!” she nearly yells. “No, you can’t let him!”

“It’s the only way he’ll let you live.”

He’s entirely unprepared when she wraps herself around him. Oh, gods, she feels so _good_. Her head shakes against him as she just repeats, “No,” over and over again.

It’s difficult for him to understand this outpouring of emotion, for him, for his life. Is his death truly so hard for her to face? Perhaps it’s because he’s ensured a better life for her. Yes, that’s it. She’s afraid of ending up back in some brothel.

Soothing his hand along her back as she shakes, he says, “Shhhh, it’s alright. My mother will make sure you have a wonderful life; you’ll never have to struggle again.”

Rey rears back and looks at him aghast. “I don’t care about that! I don’t want you to _die_! I don’t want you to leave me!”

All he can do is blink at her, a terrifying, blessed conclusion whispering to his healing heart.

“Don’t you know?” she asks with a tilted head.

Nothing in his life has prepared him for this, for this tremulous feeling of hope. Is it possible? Could he … could he truly matter to this singular woman?

A small smile quirks her lips. “Ben … I _care_ for you. Almost from the very beginning, I’ve felt something … something old and new at the same time.”

His history roars into him and tamps down this beautiful possibility. She can’t mean it. She _can’t_.

Then her expression falters and she starts to draw away. “Of course. I’m just a whore. You … you don’t feel the same.”

_That_ slices through the chaos in his head and without thinking he almost lunges for her, pulling her into his arms. “I do! Gods, Rey! I do! I just never imagined you would ever …” Not knowing how to truly let this in, he buries his face in the space where her neck meets her shoulder.

Gently, she runs her fingers through his hair and whispers, “How could I not? No one has ever made me feel _safe_ before.”

He nods into her shoulder, “I know, I know.” When he’s with her, he feels it, too.

“When we touch … it’s different. I _want_ to touch you.”

Pulling back, he again cups her face with his hands as her fingers knead into his biceps. She’s so close he can’t quite focus on both of her eyes. Even if he had years and years to learn her, he knows he could never grow used to how good, how right she feels under his fingers.

“I’ve never felt anything like how it feels to simply be _near_ you. That you let me touch you …” he trails off as his eyes slide away.

“Ben, didn’t you hear me? I _want_ you to touch me,” she repeats.

Terrified to see the truth in her eyes, he keeps his gaze averted. If she truly does care for him, welcome him, it will be so much harder to leave her. It will hurt her, and he never wants to cause her even a single moment of pain.

Now, he feels her fingers on his cheeks as she bids, “Look at me. Please look at me.”

Unable to deny her anything, his eyes cautiously find hers. There’s only warmth and sincerity in their depths, causing a broken little sound to be torn from his throat. Her fingers stroke his cheeks and he’s never known such overwhelming sensations.

Determination creases her brow and she’s darting forward, hands pulling his face to hers. Her lips are on his before he can process what she’s doing. Clumsily, he tries to kiss her back, _tries_ to fill his first caress with the words he can’t even allow himself to think.

Feeling foolish for his inept attempt, he begins to pull back, but she nearly growls, keeping a firm hold on his cheeks, lips still moving against his. Oh. Oh! They find their rhythm and the feeling of her soft mouth ignites something new, low in his abdomen. He _wants_ her. 

Ben had never allowed himself to acknowledge his passion for Rey, certain she would never want to be touched again in this lifetime. But she’s shifting, moving even closer, holding him. All he can do is whimper when her little tongue parts his lips.

Stars explode behind his eyes, consuming anything but Rey. He’s falling. He’s merging. Unbound, _unleashed_. It’s as if he’s in the deepest of meditations and lost to the freedom of flying. There has never been anything but their two lonely spirits, as if they hold the spark of creation in their hands. He didn’t think he could feel any closer to her, when the Force begins to throb all around them. 

Rey unfurls through his consciousness, like a sea of blooming flowers, reaching for the sun.

With his world in his arms, his mind fills with flashes of a future that cannot be. Images of heat and skin, moments of pure bliss as he shows her the galaxy, contentment, _wholeness_ infusing everything.

There, she stands on the shores of his family’s home on Naboo, framed by the pink glow of the setting sun. They train together, moving as one, like a dance. And through it all, her eyes hold him fast.

The Force is singing.

But then she’s gasping and pulling away, keeping their faces close. “What was that?” she asks with wonder and fear. “Did you do that?”

It might be the first time a Force vision has brought him joy.

“No, it was the Force. In you.”

“I … I feel … I feel …” Her eyes are wide with confusion.

“You’ve Awakened. Like my mother said, you have the Force.”

“I didn’t understand. I just thought it meant I’d be able to make things float. But it’s like … everything is brighter, deeper.”

“Yes, I remember. You’ll learn quickly how it moves through you, through everything,” he says with a soft smile, chest full with the realization that it was kissing _him_ that brought her powers to the surface. But then he finds himself wondering _why_ …

“Will you teach me?” she asks eagerly.

What would he give to watch her grow, shine like he’s sure she will? If only he’d not made such burning cinder of his life, oh the things he would show her.

Potent anguish bubbles up within him but is swiftly demolished when she straddles his lap and kisses him again. Maker, her mouth holds the secrets of the universe and all he wants to do is spend eternity right here. The pain can wait. Let him have this, please, gods, let him have this.

_Something_ is winding through him, as if his cells are coming alive for the first time. Thank the Maker he’d never shared this with anyone before, though he’s certain it wouldn’t have been like _this_.

“Mmmmm,” she hums with obvious enjoyment and he begins to panic. He’s _responding_ to a lap-full of Rey; he doesn't want to scare her with his obvious desire. Kissing is one thing, but surely she wouldn’t want the reminder of what beasts men can be?

Yet she doesn’t seem to mind, her hands pulling him closer as her kiss becomes almost hungry. Eventually, she breaks their lips apart and they both pant, foreheads touching.

“You are my first kiss,” she admits in a husky voice.

That startles him. How had she managed _that_? “And you gave it to me?” he asks in stunned disbelief.

She nods slightly and he wraps her in his long arms, pressing her back against him. “Thank you,” he rumbles with meaning.

Together, they bask in the Force thrumming through them, between them, and the feeling of finally being whole. 

He’s far too drunk on her to consider what it all means.

\---

It’s time. Ben _knows_ it is. It was so much easier to accept his fate—right and proper, even— before he knew his dreams were possible. Likely. _Shared_.

Running his fingers through her hair, Rey draped across his lap, he smiles, or perhaps grimaces at the irony. She’s made his heart beat again, and now it’s shattering in his chest at the prospect of saying goodbye.

Though everything has changed, nothing has, and his conclusion remains the same. He must face Snoke and likely die for it. If he doesn’t, she’ll never be safe. His master would hunt her out of spite. If he tells Snoke everything, submits, the accounts will be balanced.

He supposes his master might let him live, if only to enjoy his misery. Because a life without Rey is no life at all.

No. This is the only way. She’ll recover.

She has too.

Just as he’s about to rip himself in two, Rey lifts her head from his chest and tilts her head quizzically. “We should tell your mother she can leave,” she says matter-of-factly.

“What?” he asks in utter confusion.

“Well, now that you aren’t going to your master, we have to get ready to run.”

Staring at her blankly, he opens his mouth to speak but no words come out.

Her face fills with apprehension. “You can’t go, not now.” 

Clenching his eyes shut briefly, he lets out a long breath. She doesn’t understand.

“Rey … I have to.”

“Why?” she asks, her expression turning frantic.

“It’s the only way you’ll be safe.”

“We’ll run! Somewhere he can’t find us!”

“I don’t believe such a place exists,” he admits, grief bleeding from his tone.

“I don’t accept that.” Denial threads through her.

“I promise, if there were another way …”

Rey begins to pull at the cloth of his cloak. “Please don’t do this to me, please.”

He blinks rapidly, trying to keep the tears at bay as he sees her eyes grow wet. “It’s better this way, you’ll see.” 

Her gaze fills with fire and she jumps up from his lap. He assumes she just can’t bear to touch him in her anger, but then she’s marching out her front door. It takes a moment for him to catch up before he’s following her.

Rey is making a beeline for his mother, who’s sitting on a fallen tree next to her ship, gazing into the forest, back turned.

Rushing to close the distance, he hears Rey’s cracking voice.

“—have to stop him! Don’t let him go! Don’t let him die!”

Leia stands and looks straight at him with burning accusation. Of course his mother would have thought Rey would sway him. She had accepted it too easily, he realizes.

“Well, Son, will you listen to her?” Leia asks with recrimination as he reaches the woman who gave him life, and the woman who gave it meaning.

His face settles into stone as he tries to remember how not to feel. “I will not put Rey in danger,” he declares firmly.

“I don’t care!” Rey wails, gesticulating with her hands.

“There is no other way to make certain you’re safe!” he exclaims. Can’t she see that she’s all that matters to him?

“I can take care of myself! I have the Force, now!”

His feet carry him forward and he towers over her. “It doesn’t matter! He’s so much stronger than any Force-user I’ve ever met. You’ll die screaming if I don’t do this.” His tone becomes pleading.

“Then let me come with you,” she begs, clutching at his tunic.

Clasping her hands in his, he swallows through the tears threatening to fall. “Then we would both die.”

“I’m not worth throwing your life away,” she sobs as her own tears overtake her.

“Oh, but you are … you don’t know what I’ve done, all the blood on my hands.”

“I don’t care!” she repeats stubbornly.

This isn’t going to work. He won’t have Rey’s last memory of him ripped apart by her baffling belief his life is worth risking hers. Instead, he sighs and wipes the tears from her face.

Pointless hope fills her eyes, and he can’t stop the words she has written across his very being.

“ _I love you._ ” 

Rey begins to smile, and he pulls her to him, kissing her fiercely. The duality of love and crushing pain makes him want to scream. But instead, he cradles her body to keep her from falling. Continuing to consume her mouth, he blankets her consciousness with the Force and catches her now limp form, his lips echoing with her kiss.

He can barely hear his mother’s gasp as he gazes down into Rey’s sleeping face. “You are all that matters to me,” he murmurs.

So gently, he places her on the soft grass, grazing her cheek with his fingers one last time. Leia is speaking, but he can’t understand her words through the agony ripping through him.

Standing, he finds his mother’s swollen eyes. “Take care of her.”

She nods slowly, and somewhere far away, he knows her cracked wide open expression would have brought him to his knees on any other day. But all there is is an exquisite anguish matched only in intensity with his need to ensure a good life for Rey.

Turning on his heel, swift and regimented, he stalks to his ship.

With his back to Rey’s sleeping form, the tears finally overtake him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEA Policy in firm effect!
> 
> Thank you, ArtemisBare, I can never squeeze those quick and dirty stage direction descriptions past you! Thank you, Silvergrain, you always bring new texture to my stories.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, who I love with all my heart. Every time I try to describe Ben and Rey's connection, I'm really trying to put into words what it's like to love and be loved by you.
> 
> Thank you, Readers! Woohoo! My muse seems to be back in the swing of things. I'm keeping a close eye on her, but she still won't stop smoking clove cigarettes. It has been marvelous to reconnect with you, I missed you all terribly. Kisses from New Orleans!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben Awakens grapples with the one fundamental truth of his life: he is an absolute dumbass. Then Rey Rises smacks him in the snoot with said dumbassery.

He’s not quite sure how he made it into hyperspace, the desperate sobs choking him so hard. Breathing in deeply, he scrubs his face clear of tears, even as they still threaten. Somehow, he’d managed to take off, enter the coordinates … he supposes years of navigating while in a post-atrocity haze could have something to do with it. Now, all that there is to do is wait as his ship takes him to what now feels inevitable.

And try to blank out Rey’s pleading face. He did the right thing, didn’t he? She would never have let him go quietly, and the thought of having to pull her from him, fight her as he hauled himself up into his ship … Having her final memory of him be his hands physically pushing her away—well, it doesn’t even bear thinking about. 

At least this way, the last words she heard from him were of his love for her, and their last moment, his lips sealing the truth of his devotion.

Yes, he did the right thing.

Why, then, does he feel like his mask’s empty eyes are searing into him in judgement? 

It sits there, next to him, a mocking symbol that used to bring him strength and surety. Evocative of his grandfather, declaring the darkness Ben had always craved. That it hid him from even himself had only ever been a benefit. The red glare of the lights in the cockpit glinting off the silver accents make it impossible to ignore.

Now, though … he wants to smash it to bits, destroy it as completely as he’s destroying himself. The pain of walking away from Rey is only bearable because he knows he won’t have to feel like this much longer. His hands clench the controls, as the blue of hyperspace spins out in front of him, like a whirlwind of all the choices he could have made.

The yawning abyss that’s opened up within him puts his lifetime of struggle into sharp relief, howling with every single one of his mistakes.

He thought he knew loss. He thought he knew the caustic feeling of betraying those you love. He thought he knew every shade of torment, every color of agony.

He knew nothing.

Nothing at all.

\---

The time crawls, and Ben knows he should find his center, prepare himself for this audience with the Supreme Leader. He’ll reach the _Supremacy_ soon, and he’s still constantly on the verge of tears and the edge of returning to Rey.

He would have expected his pride to demand he face this with honor, a good soldier to the very end. But he’s not really sure he even _cares_ what Snoke thinks of him. Let him see that he’s still that soft boy, Ben Solo. Because he is, he’s so soft for Rey, and for the first time, he finds no fault in that.

Yes, that’s how he’ll present himself to his _master_. If he’s to die, he’ll die belonging to Rey.

Somehow, she’s washed away years of the lies he told himself, the equivocations, the dark bargains in the night. Rey tore away everything but his essential being, and that being is hers, and hers alone.

\---

As his TIE shudders out of hyperspace, a horrific scream tears through the stars, through the endlessness of open space, through the crumbling foundation he’s managed to cobble together.

Rey.

Her sobs of rage and a heart destroyed make him grasp his head, trying to think through the scraping sound of _her_. He can’t see through cascading memories, her bitter life flying though him, leaving him flayed, laid bare.

One memory pulls him like a star’s gravity, a very young Rey, face blotchy with tears. The stark purity of a child’s pain reverberating through time.

Come back!

Oh, gods, what has he done? She’s bleeding, rent open, and all he can do is feel all her warmth gush through his futile fingers. He left her … he left her ...

Just like that, whatever spanned across the lightyears blinks out and he’s left gasping. 

_What has he done?_

\---

There’s not enough fuel to return to her—all he can do is glide into the massive hangar of the _Supremacy_.

But … when he pulls himself from the cockpit, all he’s greeted with is an eerie silence. The huge space is empty of all personnel … 

If he’d hoped that Snoke would show him mercy, he has no hope of that now. The deliberate setting of the stage tells him everything he needs to know. His master did always have a flair for the dramatic.

There’s a pull in his limbs, beckoning him forward. Wait. He needs to refuel, return to her ... No … no. The damage is done, the only way is forward. He’ll make her anguish worth it.

As he walks to the lift, his eyes clench shut briefly, allowing himself one last moment to imagine her fathomless, penetrating stare, the only place where he’s found _home_. There’s no choice, not now. It’s clear he’s made the right decision, even if she spends the rest of her life hating him.

It will be a long life, at least.

He’ll give Snoke enough of a show to ensure it.

As he reaches the controls of the lift, _her_ voice undoes all of his justifications.

“How could you?!” 

Ben has no idea how it is he can hear her, but he also doesn’t really care to untangle the mystery. His head hangs in shame? Regret? All he knows is that he barely has the strength to raise it again.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“Face me, you coward!”

That does make him shift, turning to glance behind him.

His knees nearly buckle as he finds Rey, right _there_. Her face is full of seething anger, her chest lifting with heaving pants.

But all he can do is gape, torn between wanting to bundle her away lest someone see her or drag her to the nearest transport and throw her in. So he’s frozen, his mind tumbling a parsec a minute trying to _understand_.

Rey, however, isn’t so stunned, as her feet eat up the distance between them.

Her fists pound at his chest with no real intent. “You-you-you made me believe you really cared!”

Clasping her hands in his, still completely lost, he cries, “I do! I’m doing this for you!”

Lips twisting in contempt, she spits, “Then you don’t know me at all!”

She’s wrong. She’s so wrong. How can she say that after how they’d twined together in the Force?! But how to plead his case?

“Rey—”

His words are cut off when she flings herself at him. He manages to catch her as she crashes her lips to his, her legs wrapping around his waist. Wait. What? Then he doesn’t care, because she’s raking her hands through his hair, kissing him like he’s the only air left in the galaxy. He’s only just realized he’s holding her by her backside when she unwraps her legs and pulls from him.

Eyes red and swollen, she again accuses, “How could you,” but this time it’s a plaintive whimper. 

“I’m trying to save your life,” he argues.

“ _My_ life. _Mine_. I’m through having other people make decisions for me! If I say you’re worth it to me, that—is—my—choice.” Her voice becomes a low growl. “If I’m willing to run with you, you don’t get to take that from me. If I want to fight by your side, it is my right.”

Oh. He … he hadn’t thought about it like that and he’s filled with shame. That burn-bright center that even a lifetime of subjugation couldn’t extinguish stands in harsh indictment. His carefully prepared logic is engulfed by her fire and his own selfish refusal to consider her agency. Ash. Everything he ever touches turns to ash.

“Rey, I never meant to take that from you.” Godsdamnit, he’s just like the men in the brothel, ignoring what _she_ wants.

Rey’s gaze sears into him, not with accusation, but with a depth of sadness he’d hoped to never see from her again. But she nods, her lips quivering. 

Approaching her slowly, he lifts his hand carefully to her face, still having no idea how touching her is even _possible_. Swiftly, she nuzzles into his palm and he lets out a long, grateful breath. “I’m sorry …” he murmurs.

“Everyone always leaves me. I thought … I thought you might be the one who _stays_.”

Inhaling a sharp breath against how that squeezes the air from his lungs, he pulls her into his arms. “I wanted to, more than you can ever know.”

“But you still left me.”

“I … I didn’t see it that way, I couldn’t. But I do now. I do.” 

“Come back. We’ll disappear, help the Resistance defeat him. Anything but losing you,” she pleads, holding his eyes.

A tidal wave of worthlessness crashes over him, but her eyes, her eyes!

“Please, Ben. Don’t do this.”

Looking around at the empty hangar, searching for another way, his scrutiny finds a sleek ship, recently commandeered. Large enough for two, it wouldn’t be infested with First Order tech … the vessel might buy them a significant head start. If they could find his dad …

At first, he nods slowly, but then emphatically. “Yes, yes. You’re right.” Sighing, he admits, “You were always right.”

The smile she grants him would put the glowing sunrise on Naboo to shame, but then she gets a queer expression. “Uhm. Do you know how I’m able to touch you? I’m still in the forest, but I can see you.”

His synapses are overwhelmed and a hysterical laugh bubbles up from his chest. “I have no idea! You just appeared!” he chokes out between cackles.

Rey’s eyes grow concerned, so he tries to rein in his mad laughter. “We’ll figure it out.” Nothing about her coming into his life had been ordinary, anyway. “But for now, I’m on my wa—”

“Lord Ren,” a voice devoid of inflection calls.

His head swivels to find the source of the sound and he sees Snoke’s guards advancing on them, a jagged swath of crimson. Swiftly, he pushes Rey behind him.

“You will come with us. The Supreme Leader does not appreciate being kept waiting.”

Rey’s hands scrabble at him, but his physical advantage keeps her hidden. The lead guard’s head cocks and he jerks his head towards the two of the other soldiers, who stalk towards him.

Igniting his blade, Ben prepares to fight as they circle him.

“What is he hiding?” the commander demands.

“Nothing. There’s nothing here.”

The lead regards him keenly as Ben quickly realizes that only he can perceive Rey.

“They can’t see me,” Rey confirms and he gives a slight nod. Her fingers spasm around his bicep and he hears her let out a breath.

“While we would enjoy finally showing you some respect, we can’t deny the Supreme Leader the pleasure.”

This isn’t what he wants … what if Rey’s fate is to watch him die, unable to do anything? While she’s made of durasteel, this is the very last thing he would have wanted, even as he can’t deny how his heart beats stronger for her presence.

The ship is too far and his foes too numerous. While he doubts the introduction of Snoke would in any way improve his chances, his boots feel melded to the decking.

The guard shrugs. “Though, _I_ certainly won’t mind bringing you to our master a bit … damaged.”

“Go. You have to go,” Rey presses.

Her words release him from his strange trance and he begins to walk forward, returning his saber to his side as Rey shadows his steps.

\---

“Boy,” Snoke’s voice booms as the lift’s doors open to his blood-red chambers, and Ben treads into the abattoir. As Snoke’s twisted visage comes into Rey’s view, she breathes in harshly, and a wave of apprehension buffets Ben through the Force.

Following years of rote memory, he kneels before his _master_ , not bothering to hide his contempt.

“Ah. I see that you take issue with the nature of our arrangement, _Apprentice._ ”

Ben says nothing as the guards stream out behind him, taking their usual places.

Snoke’s mangled face falls into a look of revolted appraisal. “You _stink_ of her.”

Good. He should. She’s invaded, _cleansed_ , every single one of his cells.

“All this—for a _whore_?” Snoke roars.

“Don’t call her that,” Ben seethes.

“Why? It’s what she is.”

“ _No_.”

His master’s chin lifts, as if he’s scenting prey. “There’s _something_ new, something _ancient_ about you …”

Snoke stands from his ostentatious dais, his fragile physical state making his sheer power all the more evident against the frailty of his gate as he approaches Ben’s kneeling form.

Circling Ben, looming over him, he can’t suppress the revulsion that twists through him at Snoke’s nearness.

“The Awakening I felt …” Snoke muses as Ben realizes—far too late—that of course his master would sense Rey, that there had never been anything he could have done to keep Snoke from hunting her down. To destroy or to seduce to the dark side, he can’t say, but he knows that they are one and the same, ultimately.

Steepling his fingers, Snoke says, “No matter. _You_ are what concerns me at the moment. Though, make no mistake, I _will_ find her.” 

Ben’s stomach sinks to his boots as Rey snorts, “I can’t wait.”

“What was that, Apprentice?”

Stony silence is all that he offers Snoke, whose lips curl in disdain. “Little princeling. Arrogance bred into your bones.”

Dimly, Ben realizes that Snoke’s taunts find no purchase, his barbs no longer tearing into his softest places. How had he ever submitted to _this_? His fingers itch to take up his saber, but Snoke doesn’t begin to have the honor to face him in open combat.

“I hate the way he talks to you,” Rey snarls, standing sentry at his side.

Her fiery defense makes Ben’s lip quirk slightly, causing Snoke’s brows to rise.

“Something amuses you, _Ben Solo_?”

He can feel the hate gathering in his gaze, but he returns his expression to blank disdain, even as he takes in every detail of the throne room, marking the location of each guard, every possible weapon he might be able to use. 

If only he could _talk_ to Rey, make some sort of plan to take advantage of the fact that only he can see her. Though … he has no idea if she can manipulate his surroundings.

Snoke’s cheek twitches in annoyance, giving Ben a sliver of satisfaction. Now that he’s allowing himself to think long-forbidden thoughts, the entirety of his life with Snoke is unravelling swiftly. It’s as if he’s been existing only in shadow, assuming he’s surrounded by power and influence, only to have illumination reveal the shabby, hollow truth of it all.

At the center, there’s nothing but decay and rot. What he’d once considered wisdom, feels like the emptiest of platitudes.

“What do you have to say for yourself?” Snoke demands, his frustration beginning to show.

His mother always did know how to use silence as a weapon, a skill Ben didn’t think he possessed. However, watching Snoke’s controlled menace begin to crack has him wondering if perhaps he might share that trait after all.

Gracefully, Ben rises, opting not to question where this newfound sense of confidence is coming from. He’s fairly certain he knows, anyway, and she stands right beside him, solid as stone and as vast as the sea.

“I did not bid you stand,” Snoke observes with an edge of a growl.

Ben regards his _former_ master for a long moment, the silence growing thorns. “I don’t believe I do your bidding any longer, Snoke.”

Narrowing his eyes, Snoke scoffs, “Just like your father. You never have thought things through.” There’s a strange almost-fondness to his tone, reminding Ben of how kind the old man had seemed. In the beginning.

Weariness pulls at the Supreme Leader’s skeletal shoulders as he shakes his head with a tsk. “Such a waste.”

Leisurely, he flicks his wrist and all Ben knows is pain.

And Rey’s screams.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my valiant team, ArtemisBare and Silvergrain! You both see such different things and I'm ridiculously lucky that you gift your time to me. I love you both.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing. We're about to celebrate our 20th Thanksgiving together, and as long as I have him, the day will be perfect.
> 
> Thank you, Readers! It's so invigorating to be able to experience the joy of sharing my work with you again. I truly think you have helped me find a whole new hue of gratitude. To my US readers, please have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. I know everything is topsy-turvy, but I hope you are able to find quiet new joys.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Ben Awakens starts to see what could be possible. Rey Rises doesn't have time for all that existential bantha-shit, and grits her teeth to get it all done.

Acid runs through his veins, each gasp for air full of barbs tearing through his lungs. He can’t even catch his breath enough to scream.

Rey is doing it for him.

The agony of her desperate howls takes him to a strange place, sharpening her history—and his—into a delicate scalpel. Is this how she sounded when Plutt stole her innocence? Is this what he enabled with his credits and his unthinking sublimation of his own pain; buried in the vulnerable heat of faceless women he never even noticed?

How many victims lay at the feet of Kylo Ren?

The sounds coming from her throat keep him from losing consciousness as he tries, tries so hard to analyze, think,  _ plan _ . He won’t let Rey be the last victim to be torn asunder because he hasn’t the courage to scrape the boundary across the dry soil of his life.

But all he can do is watch the cruel pleasure in Snoke’s eyes as he twitches.

His former master’s excitement is  _ obscene. _

Somehow, he’d lost his footing and crashed to the floor. The cool surface of the decking against his cheek soothes a counterpoint as his body jerks and spasms under the stunning agony. It’s not the lightning he’s accustomed to, this feels more …  _ personal _ .

While he gulps for air, he wonders why Snoke has unleashed this new torment. Every cell in his blood is exploding within him, creating a strange kind of silence where he cannot feel anything but the need to be free.

As swiftly as it began, the torture ceases and Snoke folds his arms, looking down on Ben like a displeased professor. “Oh, Apprentice … this was always a danger when I took you on,” he tuts with a disappointed shake of his head.

Ben tries to understand his words, but he can barely move and all he really cares to know is if Rey is safe. Pressing his hands against the metal flooring, he finds the strength to push himself onto his hands and knees. There’s nothing left as his fingers scrabble to find the strength to lever himself up. Exhaling a whimper, he cannot even lift his head to seek Rey. 

Gods, what if she’d siphoned away his suffering? What if Snoke really had meant to kill him? The golden thread between their hearts, the tether he’s only begun to understand, twangs as he thinks he hears her shudder. All the air leaves him as he feels her hand cover his, her warm fingers sparking him to life.

“Are you alright?” she croaks, her throat raw.

Borrowing her strength, his eyes slide to Rey, twitching his head ever so slightly. He’s not, not really, but he’ll live. Physical pain stopped mattering to him much a long time ago, it was always his heart that plagued him.

Snoke makes an impatient huff and Ben’s gaze snaps to the fragile man, the knowledge that Rey is right beside him giving him what he needs to lift his head.

“Well, now that I have your  _ attention  _ … we have much to discuss.” Snoke looks down on him with a cold calculation.

Without his permission, Ben’s eyes bulge in surprise as he realizes how strange it is that he’s still alive. Even as he begins to stagar to his feet, he can’t quite accept that his heart, Rey’s heart, still beats in his chest.

Snoke’s lips twist into a smile that imparts no warmth as he sinks into his throne. “You thought I’d simply kill you for straying from my path?” His hand makes a dismissive gesture. “You think I don’t know it is to be blinded by a wet cunt?”

Ben’s jaw tightens as Rey inhales sharply. Her hand finds his and she hisses, “Don’t let him provoke you. We both know it isn’t true.”

With narrowed eyes, Snoke regards Ben, clearly waiting for a response. When none is forthcoming, he continues, “I would have even let you keep her, had you not allowed her to split your focus.” His gaze hones its blade as he declares with icy finality, “I cannot permit such insipid  _ indulgence _ .”

Wanting to roar at Snoke, declare his love, his devotion, he can see it all unspin in front of him. Taking her by the waist as he uses the Force to twist his old master into an eviscerated carcass, making it clear that he’s Ben Solo and Rey is the only love he’ll ever have.

Ben is about to speak when Rey squeezes his hand. “No. Don’t. It’s what he wants. Never show them your throat.”

Fleetingly, his heart aches that she has such knowledge, even as he swells with pride. Somehow, she managed to hold onto her soul, even as he eagerly traded his.

Silence continues to reign in Snoke’s chamber, until finally the man he’d always thought to be nearly god-like huffs like an impatient old grandfather, “Well?”

Recovered enough to pull himself fully to his feet, Ben stands tall, strong, Rey’s fingers in his. “What would you like me to say?” he asks after a long moment.

Snoke stands at that, having to steady himself on the arm of his throne. Fury limns his entire form and his eyes flash. “I would  _ like _ , Apprentice, to see some sign that you understand your error.”

Nodding his head, Ben smirks. “I’m beginning to.”

“ _ Then tell me _ ,” Snoke bites out. 

In that moment, he’s not quite sure what to think, as Rey pulls her hand from his. The panic he feels, the fear, the  _ acceptance _ . Of course she’d withdraw. He’s always been a lost cause … It’s too much, and he gulps obviously.

“Ah, now you see. I suppose it’s forgivable that you’d have your head turned. Even Vader failed when he had the power—the stunning purity of the dark—in his hands.”

Ben’s head shifts swiftly to find Snoke with his questioning gaze.

“Ah, yes, my apprentice … I’m afraid your grandfather was left wanting. In the end.”

“But … you always told me Luke killed him,  _ betrayed _ his own father!” Ben declares.

Slumping back into his throne, Snoke nods his head slowly. “What I told you was true. From a certain point of view.”

Everything is whirling, coming undone and woven again. Once, only once, Luke had tried to tell him what truly happened, at the end of that nightmare that was the Jedi Temple finding out about Anakin Skywalker’s assumed identity.

Was it … true? Had his grandfather turned on the Emperor in his final moments?

His eyes flit around the wide, blood-red space, trying to find purchase when he sees her—she’s creeping along the edge of Snoke’s chamber. Some part of him sighs with relief; she hadn’t left him. Can she possibly choose him as he has chosen her? Ben knows he mustn’t follow her with his eyes; he has no idea how revealing her presence will endanger her. But, stars, if only he could divine what she’s planning.

Perhaps it doesn’t matter.

All he wants is a moment, just a single moment with her. To ensure she knows, knows completely that in a life of chaos, she is his only peace. Only her. 

Only Rey.

He can die with the fleeting feeling of her against him, if only she  _ understands _ .

Ben tilts his head, awareness bursting, flooding,  _ unfurling _ within him. “Love.”

Snoke’s eyes find his with shocking speed. “Love?” he sneers. “There’s no such thing.”

“You don’t … you don’t understand it,” Ben whispers, with growing comprehension.

The broken old man scoffs with deep contempt. “Such a transitory emotion. Who doesn’t feel it when he comes in a whore?”

That rips away any idea he’d ever had that Snoke had wisdom, had knowledge that he had  _ ever  _ needed. Because he’s found release in many a woman, even as he sees now that he took so much even as he received nothing that his own hand could not provide. 

He’s never felt  _ anything _ . Not until  _ her  _ eyes. He would give every fleeting pleasure he’s ever felt if only he could hold her, talk to her,  _ be _ with her. Ben is certain he would gladly give every base,  _ pointless _ second of his wasted, broken life if only he could drown in her eyes for one more single ephemeral, endless moment of knowing he is hers and she is his.

Because until her, everything was empty, bloodless, almost as if he couldn’t even see color until she opened his eyes and resurrected his heart.

And Snoke is utterly blind to the magic Rey stirs in his soul; the ancient creature’s teachings now feeling almost juvenile in their hollow simplicity. The dark, the light, they must dance together.

Connection.

Love.

Everything both Sith and Jedi reject with something approaching fear when it was all the same damned thing.

He can’t help it, he begins to laugh, his hand bracing his side. Rey’s head twists to catch his gaze, her face taking on a perplexed expression. But she blinks and continues to gingerly circle Snoke’s dais. The last thing he notices before Snoke demands his attention is her beginning to scale the large structure behind his throne.

“Enough!” the monster roars.

It’s just too ridiculous. Luke, Snoke, even his mother … all his masters had been so wrong. All of them had demanded he choose when the choice itself was the fallacy. 

“Don’t you see?” Ben questions, trying to catch his breath.

“All I see is a failed  _ experiment _ .” 

Snoke raises a frail limb, his fingers flexing, and, for the first time in his life, Ben readies to defend himself, gathering the Force in his hands. Lightning crackles between his fingertips.

Sighing, then tilting his head, Snoke’s derision is plain when he spits, “Must you embarrass yourself further? At least accept my judgement with grace,  _ Ben Solo _ .”

A magnificent, slightly mad grin blooms on Ben’s face as he braces himself to finally,  _ finally _ show Snoke what he’s  _ really  _ made of. He might not know how to stop Snoke, but he knows how to  _ withstand _ . Rey has a plan, and he must trust her.

He almost welcomes the exquisite pain that twists his limbs. This, this he knows. The lightning. It’s almost comforting, he can endure this and he’s desperate to tell Rey how much he loves her, even as she screams in his defense. He wants to tell her how much he loves her, but all he can do is clench his teeth until they squeak. Ben tries to find her with his eyes, he needs to see her, the last fragment he can conceive. Her eyes find his as her lips form a magnificent scowl. She holds his gaze, her intent pulling at long-dead hope as she leaps from above.

Ben and Snoke are both startled by Rey landing squarely behind his former master, her arms swiftly moving forward, her belt held taut between her hands. Snoke can’t perceive the dire end slicing into his throat, no awareness of this phantom’s garrote. 

Before Snoke can even react—or Ben can quite understand her intention—Rey pulls the leather tightly around Snoke’s neck, her legs braced against the gleaming black throne as she pulls with all her might. His watery blue eyes fill with panic, his hands scrabbling at the shining obsidian. Snoke looks around wildly, trying to understand what’s happening to him, but all he finds is his guards and Ben.

Time. He has to buy her time. His former master truly has no idea what’s happening to him.

The lightning still jumps between his fingers, he must push back the guards, but all Ben can really see is the snarling ferocity on Rey’s face—the pure hatred, and somehow, she’s never seemed more beautiful.

So this is what it feels like to be chosen …

As much as he wants to bask in the pure acceptance he’s feeling for the first time, a swell of movement catches his attention as the guards surge forward. 

There’s no real thought as the lightning streaks from either hand, pushing the faceless, nameless enemy to the edge of the chamber. They’ll be back in the fight much sooner than he’d like, but he’s given her time.

Grunting with one final heave of effort, Rey pulls her belt that much tighter; Snoke’s tongue lolls out and his eyes grow vacant. Ben’s brows shoot up when she grasps his mangled head and snaps his neck for good measure. 

Snoke,  _ his master _ , is dead.

Rey finds his eyes, and there’s an odd moment of flashing relief, but as she begins to run towards him, she glints away.

She’s gone. 

And the crimson guard press forward.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this is a bit short. It just felt right.
> 
> Thank you, ArtemisBare and Silvergrain! This was the truly rare moment where I opted to go forth without many changes. And can I just say that is a monumentally shitty feeling? I 100% blame Anne Rice. Editors are the best, wild women!
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, who continued his tendency to drown me in lobster and butter when life gets hard. We really miss you, Malbert.
> 
> Thank you, Readers! I'll do my best to post again quickly. We lost 6-month old kitten and it made me pull into myself. But writing is the only thing that keeps me going, so I'll hold my orange boy to my heart and keep finding a way forward. I am so, so, grateful for every single one of you.


End file.
